so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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