This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
