I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
