I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
