i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
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I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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