dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
