Cold hands, warm shart.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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