is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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