i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Alive.
So much puke
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
