Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
