if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
