like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
