Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
