I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
