Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
