Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
