Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
