Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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