From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
