New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
