____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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