Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
