I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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