I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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