She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
