So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
