dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm determined to sit on that face.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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