just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
