How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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