I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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