his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
