I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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