I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't turn off my feet"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
