Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
