my phone needs a breathalizer
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
