The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
