I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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