there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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