false alarm. still invincible.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
