Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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