He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
