i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
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I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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