I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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