I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
