I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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