how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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