Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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