who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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