I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
