Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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