You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
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She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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