you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
