Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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