Someone shit on the floor
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
