Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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